Dracula

I have been reading Dracula on my Nook. It is not like most stories today, but has multiple people writing journals, which then tells you the story by putting them all together. I would like to try this, so as before Going Knowhere is back in business. I will use it to relate the day's events (but not always every day, since like in Dracula there isn't a significant event every day or week.) This will be most hopefully for my benefit, but if you still want to read on and peek into my private life, so be it, I have nothing to hide.

We are on February break right now, a break no other school has. Since the swim team I am on has our end of the year meet soon (MIAC, Feb. 18th-20th) we all have to stay on campus. Yet it feels as if no one is around. Yesterday this made me giddy and excited to be by myself (my friend Hannah was here to entertain me the previous two days,) but today a different mood sombered me up. I proceeded to work on my Study Abroad Essay, and got moderately far. Tomorrow I will finish it.

After this however, there wasn't much of anything to do. I started eating all of the food I had bought (which much to my dismay I've realized I have bought all carbs!) until I basically got sick. I read more of Dracula, but got incredibly bored and had the desire to venture outside and play in the snow.

I've wanted all this year to play in the snow, but for some reason nobody will join me. I am ultimately lonely right now. I feel (yet again) totally misunderstood. Nobody has the same drives as I do. Nobody loves to use their mind while also being quite active physically. I am an outsider here. I've kept trying to deny this fact, but that is the plain of it. I have no friends that I made the previous year, and the only friend I have now (Hannah) is I have realized quite too different from me in that our interests are pulling us apart.

So I decided, hell with it all, I am going out into the snow to play on my own! And so I did. I found it quite entertaining for a little bit, and made a snow angel. There was a snowman that had been set up for weeks, and as such some tool decided to kick the head off. I grabbed the head and decided to try and see if I could make it bigger by rolling it around in the snow. I succeeded, but not without a lot of effort.

Such a rewardless and menial task gave my brain the opportunity to think (oh, the joys!) and unfortunately it was not good thinking. It was about the ever-indulgent question of purpose. What is my purpose? What am I doing? What is the point? Am I actually going in any direction purposeful? But then what is a purposeful direction?

I don't expect anyone else to give an answer. I certainly don't know it. I was however trying to figure out if we actually need other people for this purpose. Previously, I would have said no. Now, I will say yes. Loneliness is terrible. Usually such a mood would have brought me to tears, but even worse was the fact that I was so lonely tonight I could not cry. I am alone in the world. It is terrible, but it is the truth. Such a veil covers my person most wholesomely either by interests or by the distance of those I love.

And while time will bring the distance between me and my family together again, if only for a short while, family cannot be the only connections one has in this life. Sadly right now it is all I have. So I have, I think, found my new purpose. Try to find others like me. For I have concluded, most specutatively, that I am different. It is not a desire, nor something to make myself feel better, but a fact. I am different, and unfortunately uniqueness also means rarity. I am a rare personality. I have a rare spirituality. I have a rare sexuality. I have a rare talent (I think....this may not be true). I have a rare thirst for adventure.

While others sit on their couches and stare at TV's, I stare out the window and dream of worlds unseen. While others look at girls and their bodies, I look at my brothers and try to see what's underneath their skin, while others are easily sated by physical manifestations, I thirst for something more abstract, more purposeful.

So my purpose, at least momentarily, is to find others like me. I will try to find others who cherish the outdoors, their brethren, and higher knowledge. Anyone else just seems to hold me back from a higher ground of realization.

If this sounds like I am depressed, do not worry, I am not, yet. It is more like an understanding of what I need to do. And while my present state of existence sucks ass, a high majority of peoples' do, so don't worry. I contemplated suicide many years ago, and to do so now seems too pointless and ultimately unfulfilling. Seeking out a newer purpose seems the way to go.

LATER

Watched a buttload of short movies on youtube. Felt a lot better, for now.