Fear

I was about to go to sleep. My main problem with getting to sleep is that I think too much. So to get to sleep faster, it usually helps that I listen to music, and eventually I get too tired to listen anymore.

This time was different. I was playing a boardgame with the Scholbrocks, something that we call marbles, which is really an antiquated version of Aggravation. It was that game we always used to play with Miemaw, and used colored marbles to go across the wooden board.

Watching them as a family has really struck something within me. Going from family to family this year, and living by myself has really made me notice what a family is, and really miss it.

I mean, hell, I see my childhood as if I had no say in any of it. I know that is wrong, but I guess the way I work is that I wait and listen to how the game is played (in this case childhood), and then when I perfect it, I am ready to play! I now have understood the dynamics and pleasures of a family and growing up, but alas it is all gone now! The minute I understand that I can stand up to a bully, that I can show love first to get love back, that parents have feelings, emotions, weaknesses, and fears like everyone else, the information is useless to me. I feel like I've been cheated.

My parents informed us that after college, it would be best if we all found our own places. And while I agree with this, it means that we only have a couple more months left together. If you add the three months for summer up, it means Ian and I have about one year left with our family before we have to move on. Just when I was getting to enjoy my family's presence, now I have to go live somewhere else that I do not want to be. Ariell has even less.

I am not saying this to get a pity party here, I am just pointing forth the reality. The Scholbrocks really act like a family. They hug eachother, they invite eachother into their lives, instead of acting like it is a huge effort to be had. The grandparents live less than ten minutes away, and they come over without notice, just to spend an hour of laughter together.

I think it's because they realize family is all that matters. I myself have been shoved with these signs of age. My parents are starting to think about retirement, my sister isn't a teenager anymore, I haven't a clue what is going on in my brother's life, my grandparents are turning 70, I fear every phone call from the family is going to tell me that Miemaw isn't here anymore, I pity myself when I realize that I've never been in love and that my body is only getting older too. There's so many things I wish to do! Travel the world, learn to paint, get big muscles haha, I want to conquer the world! I want people to realize their ultimate power, and to also have a good time!

My only fear is that by the time I learn how to, it will be too late! That I will not be a good son, a good grandson, a good brother. How long will it be before we realize that being together is all that matters?

I for one want to share every part of myself with my family; my whole, true self. Even if I'm not sure what all of that is still.

How can I show everyone that I love them beyond all reason? That I love them all even more than they could possibly know? While each and everytime I forget to call my grandmother, I fail to write that book I want, I am waiting to learn to paint, hoping that the teacher I will get will be even half competent, I miss my sister on Skype, My brother never picks up the phone, my grandparents still remain aloof, my cousins fade away in Arizona, my words go unspoken, there's not enough money!

HOW?! I guess there isn't an answer really. The only thing I can do is to make the best of each moment I have, and for God's sake, seeing a family like the Scholbrocks show that it is possible. It can all start with me, maybe if I try hard enough, someone will notice.


Afraid in Potosi, Wisconsin