Homeward Bound

So here I sit, done with finals, waiting for my flight home. I cannot believe how excited I am to be going home!

It's been a long four months, and so much has happened. So much has changed, so much has grown, I hardly feel like the same person I was less than a year ago. I've learned so much. But what Have I learned?

I've learned to forget.

As silly as this sounds, its true. I remember hearing something from Mark Twain that went like "I had to forget everything I learned in school." And it's true. People complicate things and make them so complex, so twisted and fucked up that nothing makes sense anymore.

I remember one time, however long ago, my mother made me recognize how much of an unhappy child I had become. "Remember," she said, "I remember when you used to be such a happy and carefree kid. What happened to that; where did that go?"

It was one of those moments I will never forget. Not because it was a fuzzy, happy memory, but because it was a slap to the face.

It woke me up.

I don't know why it took me so long to finally open my eyes after that, but those words stuck inside of me, and every once in a while I still hear her say it in such an angry yet frustrated way. Where had her sweet little baby boy gone? Left was this bitter kid, angry at the world.

I was angry, and I was bitter. I was so screwed up from the world trying to tell me what I was, trying to tell me I was wrong, trying to tell me that I didn't fit in. I don't just mean in the fact that I am gay, but everything. The way I thought was different. The way I wanted to spend my time. He reads books for fun, not video games; he likes guys, not girls; he values emotions and relationships, not tactics and power struggles. No wonder I was so resentful. Everyone was culturally telling me I was wrong, sometimes in ways I hadn't even begun to understand yet.

It was like one big cultural mind fuck. I apologize for the heavy words, but thats what it was. And I'm not asking for a pity party here, I'm celebrating! Look how far I've come! There are thousands upon millions of people that still grind within the system, still bitter and angry, despite the fact that they might not even know why.

I realized in High School, through the countless benefits of the Internet, that there wasn't anything wrong with me. And so what would any person do? They would start to resent the people spreading these lies. They would see a line drawn between them and others. That's exactly who I was in High school. I learned who my enemies were by studying and watching. They were the conservatives because of my sexual differences. They were at first the Artisans because they were so uncaring, so dangerously addicted to pleasure and selfish desires. Then my anger merged from this one faceless representation, to the guardian depiction. Glorifying uniformity, traditions, not the opposite of understanding but unwilling to understand, irrational. I wanted to rip the people apart that were judging me, telling me I was wrong, evil, messed up, silly, just a joke.

That was when what my mother said struck. I was so caught up in the fight, in the confusion of who was right, if they were right, why they were right! It's a countless vortex so deep no one can really understand it. It changes everyday. The Republicans once had different stances on the same issues today. They once were no friend to the Catholic church. Imagine that! Now they are best friends! It's an ever changing, ever mind-boggling squabble that only leads to nowhere.

Her little boy was so caught up, so angry, that he had become something that he was not. And so I started wishing, dreaming that I could be such a happy, carefree person again. What was it that I had lost so long ago? I wouldn't call it innocence, but I don't know what I would call it. What it was though, was that I had to get rid of this hatred, I had to start viewing people as people again. I had already learned that there was nothing wrong with me; I had to start applying this theory into practice.

College was the perfect opportunity! The bustling wave of new people; new opportunies, was perfect. I could rebuild myself on the principles I had designed without the weight of my past. The accepting college atmosphere helped a lot too. I learned that people treasured me for my uniqueness. I understood that while me being rare made me alone, it also made me unique, and valuable. I learned to smile again just because I wanted to. I learned to stop being uber self conscious. I learned something about appearances: that a) you are not what your appearance looks like, but b) some people design themselves around this and ARE exactly what there appearance turns out to be. The difference is weeding these people out.

I also learned that being unhappy was all in my head. It is all in your head. If I wanted something, all I had to do was make progress, and I would eventually get there. And so if I was unhappy all I had to do was do something.

And once again, I began to be happy again. Genuine Happiness!!!! It's like nothing I can describe. You just want to randomly scream out with joy, to laugh, to skip down hallways, to kick your feet in the air and fall on the bed, to run around in the snow, fall down in it and stick out your tongue to try and catch snowflakes. It's amazing and what I never want to lose.

I learned that I can be myself, and with that I learned that I have parts of everything inside of me. The artisan that wants to have fun resides in me. The guardian (this is still hard for me to say) that wants comfort and a sense of order resides within. The inquisitive Rational also lives alongside the romantic and hopelessly sweet Idealist. These labels that had been created to help me were at first tearing me apart. I learned that we are all the same but all so drastically different. I can feel the emotions every person has ever had inside me, and don't tell me I am crazy because I am not. I can sympathize with pretty much anyone, and by understanding them I have made so many more friends that want to understand me.

I feel now that I can learn to have fun with Ian again if I remind myself to let go and have fun. I can debate with Ariell if I remind myself not to get my "feelers" hurt when I am wrong. That doesn't mean I will do this all the time, since the Idealist still lives within my heart.

But look how much has been able to happen once I made myself forget the hate, the useless information, and the endless squabbling! I come home a new person, hopefully ready to treat everyone with the new respect that I have gained. I've noticed that people want to hang out with me more because I am being myself. Other people have told me that I'm so laid back and understanding, and so simple and carefree that they want to be around me just so they can feel it too! I must say admitting this in public does give me big shoes to fill, but it inspires me so, gives me hope that some day we can all just be ourselves. The light needs to start somewhere.

I wrote this because I wanted to let you guys know that I have changed. I have been able to develop myself in such a new way. I hope that you guys can expect to have Neil back, but you should also know that I have changed. I just want to mix the Neil you know and the Neil you don't know yet, together. Trust me, you won't be disappointed. But it also won't be easy. I'll falter sometime, and maybe you will, but as long as we try together, then we can both become the better people that we all want to be.

Love <3

Neil Alexander