Homeward Bound

So here I sit, done with finals, waiting for my flight home. I cannot believe how excited I am to be going home!

It's been a long four months, and so much has happened. So much has changed, so much has grown, I hardly feel like the same person I was less than a year ago. I've learned so much. But what Have I learned?

I've learned to forget.

As silly as this sounds, its true. I remember hearing something from Mark Twain that went like "I had to forget everything I learned in school." And it's true. People complicate things and make them so complex, so twisted and fucked up that nothing makes sense anymore.

I remember one time, however long ago, my mother made me recognize how much of an unhappy child I had become. "Remember," she said, "I remember when you used to be such a happy and carefree kid. What happened to that; where did that go?"

It was one of those moments I will never forget. Not because it was a fuzzy, happy memory, but because it was a slap to the face.

It woke me up.

I don't know why it took me so long to finally open my eyes after that, but those words stuck inside of me, and every once in a while I still hear her say it in such an angry yet frustrated way. Where had her sweet little baby boy gone? Left was this bitter kid, angry at the world.

I was angry, and I was bitter. I was so screwed up from the world trying to tell me what I was, trying to tell me I was wrong, trying to tell me that I didn't fit in. I don't just mean in the fact that I am gay, but everything. The way I thought was different. The way I wanted to spend my time. He reads books for fun, not video games; he likes guys, not girls; he values emotions and relationships, not tactics and power struggles. No wonder I was so resentful. Everyone was culturally telling me I was wrong, sometimes in ways I hadn't even begun to understand yet.

It was like one big cultural mind fuck. I apologize for the heavy words, but thats what it was. And I'm not asking for a pity party here, I'm celebrating! Look how far I've come! There are thousands upon millions of people that still grind within the system, still bitter and angry, despite the fact that they might not even know why.

I realized in High School, through the countless benefits of the Internet, that there wasn't anything wrong with me. And so what would any person do? They would start to resent the people spreading these lies. They would see a line drawn between them and others. That's exactly who I was in High school. I learned who my enemies were by studying and watching. They were the conservatives because of my sexual differences. They were at first the Artisans because they were so uncaring, so dangerously addicted to pleasure and selfish desires. Then my anger merged from this one faceless representation, to the guardian depiction. Glorifying uniformity, traditions, not the opposite of understanding but unwilling to understand, irrational. I wanted to rip the people apart that were judging me, telling me I was wrong, evil, messed up, silly, just a joke.

That was when what my mother said struck. I was so caught up in the fight, in the confusion of who was right, if they were right, why they were right! It's a countless vortex so deep no one can really understand it. It changes everyday. The Republicans once had different stances on the same issues today. They once were no friend to the Catholic church. Imagine that! Now they are best friends! It's an ever changing, ever mind-boggling squabble that only leads to nowhere.

Her little boy was so caught up, so angry, that he had become something that he was not. And so I started wishing, dreaming that I could be such a happy, carefree person again. What was it that I had lost so long ago? I wouldn't call it innocence, but I don't know what I would call it. What it was though, was that I had to get rid of this hatred, I had to start viewing people as people again. I had already learned that there was nothing wrong with me; I had to start applying this theory into practice.

College was the perfect opportunity! The bustling wave of new people; new opportunies, was perfect. I could rebuild myself on the principles I had designed without the weight of my past. The accepting college atmosphere helped a lot too. I learned that people treasured me for my uniqueness. I understood that while me being rare made me alone, it also made me unique, and valuable. I learned to smile again just because I wanted to. I learned to stop being uber self conscious. I learned something about appearances: that a) you are not what your appearance looks like, but b) some people design themselves around this and ARE exactly what there appearance turns out to be. The difference is weeding these people out.

I also learned that being unhappy was all in my head. It is all in your head. If I wanted something, all I had to do was make progress, and I would eventually get there. And so if I was unhappy all I had to do was do something.

And once again, I began to be happy again. Genuine Happiness!!!! It's like nothing I can describe. You just want to randomly scream out with joy, to laugh, to skip down hallways, to kick your feet in the air and fall on the bed, to run around in the snow, fall down in it and stick out your tongue to try and catch snowflakes. It's amazing and what I never want to lose.

I learned that I can be myself, and with that I learned that I have parts of everything inside of me. The artisan that wants to have fun resides in me. The guardian (this is still hard for me to say) that wants comfort and a sense of order resides within. The inquisitive Rational also lives alongside the romantic and hopelessly sweet Idealist. These labels that had been created to help me were at first tearing me apart. I learned that we are all the same but all so drastically different. I can feel the emotions every person has ever had inside me, and don't tell me I am crazy because I am not. I can sympathize with pretty much anyone, and by understanding them I have made so many more friends that want to understand me.

I feel now that I can learn to have fun with Ian again if I remind myself to let go and have fun. I can debate with Ariell if I remind myself not to get my "feelers" hurt when I am wrong. That doesn't mean I will do this all the time, since the Idealist still lives within my heart.

But look how much has been able to happen once I made myself forget the hate, the useless information, and the endless squabbling! I come home a new person, hopefully ready to treat everyone with the new respect that I have gained. I've noticed that people want to hang out with me more because I am being myself. Other people have told me that I'm so laid back and understanding, and so simple and carefree that they want to be around me just so they can feel it too! I must say admitting this in public does give me big shoes to fill, but it inspires me so, gives me hope that some day we can all just be ourselves. The light needs to start somewhere.

I wrote this because I wanted to let you guys know that I have changed. I have been able to develop myself in such a new way. I hope that you guys can expect to have Neil back, but you should also know that I have changed. I just want to mix the Neil you know and the Neil you don't know yet, together. Trust me, you won't be disappointed. But it also won't be easy. I'll falter sometime, and maybe you will, but as long as we try together, then we can both become the better people that we all want to be.

Love <3

Neil Alexander

Finals

Ive had two finals so far, and am about to turn in my Art Final tomorrow. I also have my LCT final tomorrow.

The Mass Comm final was so easy. It was two essay questions, and of course I did really well! (it's writing, duh! :P)

The math final I am hoping to God I did well. I knew a majority of the questions, but some i was not sure on, and others I had no clue. I had an 81% going in. I really really don't want a C in college. It would make me so angry with myself. The problem I always seem to have with math is that all the word problems look the same. ARGH!!! :(:(

My art final was to create a logo for a high speed internet company. It's actually a real company called Ridge-Runner Internet Services. It's for rural or places out of major cities. They don't commercialize, but gain customers only from word of mouth! Our teacher has this Internet Service, and used this as an idea for our final. We have to create a logo, and then incorporate it into an object, such as a bill board of coffee mug.

He also told us we could do our logo on the computer if we wanted!!!! I was so excited! Immediately when he told us what we were doing an Idea popped into my head. I don't know how it happens! He told us we should have more than one design, but my first designs have always been the best, and the others only went downhill from there.

So, whether you want to see it or not, I present it to you! I guess I have to state that I don't own the Ridge-Runner company, nor do I own the name. But I own everything else! Muahaha!

What I did was I imagined a blacked-out image of a man running, with a barrage of colored squares behind him. As usual, the color red would be the dominant color. The idea of the design did change to make it look a lot better, but the idea of squares with a man running stayed the same. Whatever Muse gave me this I am definitely grateful!

Here it is, the Logo, and then the Bill Board:





I must say its very puzzling that some of the colors change with some of the pictures! I have to print it out to, so they will all look the same in the end.

Later on, the symbolism of the bill board hit me! The slogan that I made up, "Can YOU keep up?" fits perfectly because the color blocks on the logo can than turn into computer files or something of the sort. Then, the files are racing, or beating the man running a race! So in effect, it is saying "our internet is so fast, you won't be able to do stuff fast enough to keep up!"


One more note. I think the name is rather bland. I mean, first of all it reminds me of Road-Runner. And second of all I thing of a Fridge. Fridge-Ridge, get it? Whatever, as long as they have business!

All I [Remember I] Want For Christmas

Barnes & Noble Giftcards
Iceskates
Sunlight!
Gym Clothes
Scarf
The Complete Calvin and Hobbes Collection
More Winter Clothes!
This:

http://www.mensuas.com/servlet/the-700/Rubber-Bullnose-Bracelet-w-fdsh-Magentic/Detail

A Container for liquids, juices, etc
A WoW account? (no, really!)

Things I Need in Eternally:

FOOD for my fridge for once [it's empty]
Earplugs because the people in my dorm never shut up!
candy :P
More swimsuits
A Haircut
Hair products
Money :)

This Weekend

I would have written a post on all the amazing things I did this weekend, but I didn't do anything amazing. My whole weekend was spent finishing this stupid project, trying to make the ugly ugly picture he took of me look good. I flatly refuse to post the picture on this blog (for multiple reasons. One: its ugly. haha but you knew that!) I must say I did better than I thought I would. My focus was on the eyes, and then later the mouth. The rest can go to hell!!!! buahaha

The scanner made all the greener colors stand out, I don't know whyyyy (say that in the voice of Heath Ledger's Joker :P). For your viewing pleasure, My Whole Damn Weekend:

More Pictures

Just some funny/ odd/ interesting things I've seen around campus:

Pictures!

~~This is a view of the Campus underneath Snow!~~
I had to narrow it down to just 11 pictures, but I think you get the Idea.

~~This is the surrounding Wilderness !~~

Thanksgiving Break!

The day after the Mall of America, it was Thanksgiving, so we went to his grandparents house. I met the whole family, and they are surprisingly a lot like our family! (excluding the fact that there are more of them.) The food was normal, to say the least. Normal turkey, normal gravy and potatoes, normal stuffing. Then again, all stuffing is great! I had about five helpings of stuffing!!!

I was very happy to find out they had a ping pong table! While I declined in playing football, I beat all of them in ping pong except for 2. hehe. After this, Alex's mom was giving everyone a present. When we unwrapped them, everyone had different Santa in Hawaii Christmas bulbs. I got one of a snowman with Minnesota written on it. He's really cute!

Apparently the whole family is going to Hawaii over Christmas (hence the Santa in Hawaii Bulbs) and the grandparents wanted to give the grandchildren their christmas presents early. All eleven grandchildren got $1000 each! To top it all off, the grandfather must have felt bad that I was watching them unwrap these presents, so he gave me $300 dollars right there on the spot!!!

Wow. I felt really greatful. I mean, he doesn't even know me!

The next day we went to a Hockey game: the Minnesota Wild, against the Tampa Bay Thunder. It was so exciting and entertaining! It makes football a snoozefest! There were a lot of almost fights, and that was sort of thrilling in it's way. Every time the Wild would score, a light house built into the stadium would flash, blow whistles, and fog would pour out of it. Really exciting! Not to mention their family rented out a Box for the game, so we got buffet food, soda, and tons of room to walk around in! Apparently Wild games have been sold out for 11 consecutive years, so everyone was jealous back at school. It was definitely worth it!

We went to some parties, and I met all his friends. They're really cool too. They were all no drinking parties so that was fun. I got to practice my hand at pool, and I'm not too bad. I get lucky every once in a while.

The next day we put up the outside christmas decorations, and it was so cold!!!

It was a good thing we had put them up, because the next day, I woke up to snow!!! It was a beautiful inch all around. Everything looked so pretty! Alex's sister Emily helped me make a snowman! Now before you laugh, the snow was really dry, so we had a hard time packing it. It turned out to be a baby snowman asking to be picked up:

It's really hard to notice, but it has feet even! I also saw Twilight with his sister, and the movie is AMAZING!!! Much better than I expected them to do! O, if only a love like this could be mine (minus the hyperventilating...ah hell, that'll be in there too)!



Then I went to the mall with Alex, and bought the book Wicked at Borders, and bought $30 worth of candy and a cute glittery reindeer for the Bilski family for being so nice to me. It looked like really good candy, and I was tempted to keep one box for myself, but I forced myself to write FOR GRANDMA AND GRANDPA BILSKI on it. Such a good egg :D

They took me to a Vikings football game, and that was really boring. 3 hours of torturous entertainment. Some of it was fun though; expressly the non-watching part. lol